One of the things we explore in my online course about attachment is how important it is to let go of anger; something I never really took seriously myself, until today, when I smashed all the dishes in my kitchen!
This has been something a long time coming. Often, I have just stuffed my anger down, turned it in on myself, and accepted it all must have been my fault, because that allows me to feel more in control (but also more miserable).
For the longest time, I have had this fantasy of getting really mad and smashing a dish. I have come close a few times but was never able to do it. My hand would shake, tears would leak down my face, I’d worry about the mess (something I told myself to hide my fear of my own anger), and lose my nerve.
But after all the work I have been doing to connect with my own spirit and authentic sense of self, I have come to understand that confronting my anger is my biggest road block to figuring out how to love “the wounded child” inside.
And so, today was the day.
I know its a bit long, but if you would share this moment with me, I would love to hear from you, if it resonates. And if you want to see more, let me know in the comments below, and I will enroll you in the online course for free–> Beyond the Breakup: Attachment Styles and Meeting Your Match. I just want your feedback!
Sitting at my computer, working on my various projects, I suddenly heard my own voice ring out from across the room: “So thank you for your participation in The Ideal Relationship Project.” I turned around to find my son, Aidan, had stumbled upon my Youtube channel for our community arts project, while searching for Spiderman re-enactments.
“Mami!” he looked up at me, smiling, and pointed at the screen. He’s four years old.
“Yeah, baby.”
He scrolled through playing video after video. After about ten, he and ambled over to my chair. “Mami. You do picture. Biiiiig one.”
His speech is a bit delayed and interpreting his sentences is sometimes a challenge. “You want me to do a big portrait of you?”
“No, Mami. You. Yoooouuu.” He held up the iPad, displaying the portrait on the screen. “Like Peg.”
He shook his head, put the iPad down on the desk, and traced his fingers around the shape of my face. “You face. Big face. Eyes, nose, mouth, chin.”
“Oh, but honey, I’m working on something else right–”
“Now, Mami. Do it.”
Well, it was hard to disobey such a command, but I had sworn my self portrait would be the last one of the project. “Okay, we’ll do a sketch.” I printed out a template from Peggy’s portrait and started drawing a quick sketch.
Aidan put his hand on my arm. “No, Mami. Again. Big. Sloooow.”
A swell of emotion pressed against my chest. I couldn’t do my own portrait yet, I was only 47% done! Plus, despite the optimistic spirit of the project, I was feeling pretty cynical about relationships. “Okay, you tell me how.” We printed out another frame, and I had Aidan direct me.
“Si.” He said, when we were finished. “Bueno.” Then, he kissed my cheek.
Last night we wrapped up the All-Purpose Postcard Campaign for The Ideal Relationship Project’s Kickstarter with a postcard-stuffing jam session. Check out the video below for many thanks and some footage of the soiree. Special thanks to Justine, Amy, and Annie for their help with stuffing!
Some pics from the party:
If you would like to learn more about this project, you can watch this video below and check out our website. Spread the word!
It was a spur of the moment idea: “Lets pretend they’re trading cards,” I said to my sister.
She arched an eyebrow at me, forking another bite of avocado salad (ill named, as the Mexican joint on the Lower East Side had run out of avocados on this day) into her mouth.
I handed her a handful of postcards decorated with the portraits I had completed for our community-arts Kickstarter project, The Ideal Relationship Project.
She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Fiiiiiine.”
A few shots in, she’d finally loosened up to become the dramatic, silly-pants I know she can be, and I realized we were onto something. To promote this project successfully, I couldn’t just focus on the product alone, I had to focus on the people who believed in it. Thus, the All-Purpose Postcard Campaign was born.
With no small help from my world-traveling sister, we enlisted backers from India, Sierra Leone, and Israel, who all showed their support by taking photographs of themselves, holding images derived from our project.
I was surprised and touched by the show of support. It’s amazing the sense of connection that has occurred as result of simply asking the question: “What is your ideal relationship?” At this point, its okay if we don’t make our funding goal, the larger goal has been achieved.
A huge thanks to all our backers around the world! And if you are interested in participating or learning more, please check out our Kickstarter site, and our project website.
The ideal Relationship Project is a community Kickstarter aiming to create 100 portraits, and collect the subjects’ ideas about their ideal relationships in a self published book.
The book will be organized by age, gender, and relationship status. Each chapter will begin with an article summarizing the most salient themes in its category, using an arts-based, heuristic research methodology.
Low budget and/or gift giving options include postcards of existing portraits and/or a copy of the final book (portrait not included), once it’s completed.
Each subject is asked to describe his or her ideal relationship in no more than two sentences and submit an image they would like to see rendered. The portraits are rendered in a uniform in style, including a mandala form, intended to promote mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. A process note in the form of a video and blog entry is created for each completed portrait as well, and posted on the website, under Process Videos.
1. Participate. Check out our rewards and select an option including a contribution of your face and personal quote ($50-$125). A personal video clip and interview is not required (but it is appreciated).
2. Pledge.Check out our rewards and select an option including the purchasing of postcards and/or the final book, once it’s completed ($3-$35).
3. Follow Us. If you’re still unconvinced, check out our website and follow our blog. When you follow us, others will too, and that’s a big help! (Free)
Below you’ll find a sample mock up of the final book (final design may vary from these images, but this will give you an idea of where it’s headed):
1. You Might Fall in Love. There are three basic steps to the Law of Attraction: ask, believe, and receive. Before the Universe can give you your heart’s desire, you must be sure of what you want and how to articulate it. This project forces you to do just that, in a most concise manner. Help us help you manifest the love you want!
2. It’s Community Oriented.This is an arts-based community project, the purpose of which is to encourage personal insight, spread the wisdom of healthy relationships, and provide a positive experience for participants. The long-term goal for the artist–should The Ideal Relationship Project be successfully funded–is to turn it into an intergenerational project.
3. Everybody Gets Something. Every pledge has a physical reward attached to it. From a $3 postcard, to your own digital portrait, to a copy of the book itself, every participant walks away with a momento.
4. Its a Unique Gift Idea. Have a friend or loved one getting married? Celebrating an anniversary or the end of a painstaking divorce? Or perhaps you are just looking for a unique, one-of-a-kind gift for your boo? The Ideal Relationship Project’s book is the perfect blend of charitable consumerism and quality gift giving. For $35 You will receive a promissory Thank-You postcard from me, as well as three blank postcards, and a copy of the book, (anticipated date of completion is June 2016). The note and cards can be given at the time of your occasion (if occurring before this date) and then I will send the completed product to the address you specify.
5. Kindness is Contagious. In a study designed to identify cause-and-effect links, political scientist James Fowler and medical sociologist Nicholas Christakis of Harvard University found when one person gave, others in their group tended to be more generous. Recipients became more generous in turn, and so on down the chain. Surprisingly, when a punishment round was added, generosity lasted even longer, promoting elevated, positive feelings. And as researchers at the University of California have discovered, the better you feel, the kinder you are towards others.
The Backstory: In Search of the Ideal
In January 2015, I wrote a post on my community blog in which I reviewed a mountain of neurological, sociological, and psychological information, focusing on the battle of the sexes. I was surprised to find most research indicating people want the same things when it comes to long-term relationships. If that’s the case, why do we seem to struggle with finding the love we want?
While chastising me for harboring fanciful ideas about sexually faithful men who’ll hold your hand during sunsets well into old age, a good friend once said to me, “There are only two kinds of men. Those who treat their wives and their mistresses well, and those who don’t. You decide which on turns you on, then you decide which role you want to play.”
“I don’t believe that,” I responded, “There are men who are devoted to their wives.”
“Miserable men who wish they had the balls not to be. Tell me, does your Prince Charming day dream about internet porn?”
My dear friend is not alone in her assessment. Jokes abound about the drudgery of marriage, even as we celebrate #LoveWins. Oscar Wilde once said, “A man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy in that position.” The Spanish word for “spouse,” esposas, also means “handcuffs.” Why are married women usually heavier? Because single women come home, see what’s in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed, and go to the fridge.
In light of my recent divorce, I realized I had never truly asked myself, “What is your ideal relationship?” After getting divorced and traveling to my sister’s wedding in India soon after, I found myself falling in love again (i.e. riding that razor’s edge of hopeful wantonness and a debilitating fear of rejection and abandonment). As the relationship developed, the ambiguous misfiring of two people’s needs and expectations arose.
Not wanting to screw it up, I felt I needed to clarify my desires. I had a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but nothing I could succinctly state. No log line or “hot premise” to sell potential suitors. No mantra on which to meditate while holding a rose quartz and praying to the Goddess of love. I found both the content and aesthetics of my artwork taking on a distinctly spiritual and interpersonal nature. I started drawing mandala forms to focus and center myself. I began to think, “If I don’t know precisely how to articulate what I want, than how am I supposed to find it?”
I decided to ask a few friends what their thoughts were. Then I asked a few more friends, after that. And then I asked people I didn’t know. Single people. Married people. Divorced people. Widowed people. People in long-term relationships. People who just broke up. Almost all of them laughed and said, “That’s a hard question to answer.”
“I Know!” I would exclaim. “But why?”
I started writing their thoughts down. Then I started doodling their faces. Doodles turned into sketches. Sketches became portraits. Pretty soon, it became a whole series of portraits. And I realized I had tapped into something. I decided to turn the portraits into a Kickstarter project called, The Ideal Relationship Project.
The Ideal Relationship Project is an arts-based, community initiative that aims to create 100 portraits, and collect the subjects’ ideas about what makes an ideal relationship, into a self-published book. Each subject is asked to describe their ideal relationship in no more than two sentences, and submit an image they would like to see rendered. The portraits are portrayed in a uniformed style that incorporates a mandala form, intended to promote mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. A process note in the form of a video and blog entry is created for each completed portrait as well, and posted to the website (TheIdealRelationshipProject.com).
The book will be organized by age, gender, and relationship status. Each chapter will begin with an article summarizing the most salient themes in its category, using an arts-based, heuristic research methodology. The purpose of this project is to encourage personal insight, spread the wisdom of healthy relationships, and provide a positive experience for participants.
So far, I’ve completed twenty portraits, and feel no closer to coming up with my own definition. In fact, I have decided to suspend my thoughts on the matter altogether, until I have finished absorbing the opinions of 100 other people. In the mean time, I might suggest taking a moment to ask yourself, what is your ideal relationship?
This is a great gift idea for an engagement, wedding anniversary, or birthday present for your boo. It is also a good exercise for single and/or divorced folk, such as myself, who aim to manifest the kind of love they want in their lives.
The Artist
Born in Boston, Massachusetts, to an Irish Catholic family, Briana MacWilliam MPS, ATR-BC, LCAT has always been surrounded by natural-born storytellers. After graduating with a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts in Illustration and a minor in psychology, she moved to New York City where she earned a Master’s in Professional Studies and Creativity Development from Pratt Institute.
For several years, she has practiced as a licensed and board certified Creative Arts Therapist in various healthcare settings in New York City, working predominantly with traumatized women and addiction. Currently, she is an adjunct writing professor and clinical coordinator at a brain research and diagnostic facility.
Writing, drawing, and painting have always been her passion, and she strongly believes there is no greater magic than the power of the creative process.To learn more, please visit her community blog, Yellow Bricks.
I thought I’d update you on the progress of our “Big Work,” as I’ve created the background image and mandala for the next upcoming portrait.
Knowing the subject personally, I wanted to create something that spoke to our connection as art therapists, and that was more organic in nature–less structured or rigidly balanced. The following is the line drawing I came up with.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s update, my son and I created some colorful pieces to work into the background as well, which I then incorporated digitally.
After that, I messed with a few filters until I got it to where I wanted it.
In this instance, the mandala form–inspired by Winnicot’s squiggle drawings–is centered where the two bird-like forms seem to be kissing, and a few fishy figures swim. This is an allusion to the subject’s impending motherhood, as well as a reference to a discussion she and I had regarding childbirth, a few years ago. (As she described over the phone a dream about a fish, I smiled and stared at the fish I had painted and hung above my son’s crib, soon after he was born).
Next, I will add in the sketch of her face and complete a process video.
To see more examples of process and other portraits, please check out our Kickstarter page.
Today, I am working on an expectant mother’s portrait. To honor that, I decided to enlist the help of my own little partner in crime. Together, we created special backgrounds and mandalas to work with. I hope you enjoy the pictures!
Remember, to pledge and/or participate in this portrait project, please visit our Kickstarter platform.
To celebrate, I’m sipping a rose and listening to the twenty-somethings shoot fireworks behind the sports bar, next to my miniature manhattan apartment. By the grace of God, my sleeping four-year-old is undisturbed.
I am also working on a sketch for the next portrait in the series. (Those who have agreed to help me in getting this project off the ground also provided some raw marketing material–i.e., their thoughts and faces.) Remember, to pledge and participate in this project, please visit our Kickstarter platform.
I’m looking forward to the rest of the campaign and hope you enjoy your Independence Day!
Today I have the pleasure of sharing the drawings and animations of the talented Andrew (Andy) Bernier. I had the privilege of graduating from the Milwaukee Institute of Art and Design with this fine fellow, and hope you enjoy his work as much as I do! You can check him out at andybernier.com.
“This is TC. He always wears that hat. ALWAYS.”“I haven’t seen this awesome dude in a long time. Thought I’d draw him. If you don’t know Craig, you’re missing out. If you do know Craig, you know that everyone else is missing out. #sketch #drawing #portrait #digitalpainting #norwegian”
‘Skullcrusher Mountain’ Vertical Video
“This video spawned from an idea that music videos are seen less on television and more on mobile devices. The portability of a screens orientation allows for more unconventional video proportions and will lead to many new creative possibilities.Thanks to Jonathan Coulton for writing such an amazing song.”
After getting divorced and traveling to my sister’s wedding in India soon after, I found myself falling in love again (i.e. riding that razor’s edge of hopeful wantonness and a debilitating fear of rejection and abandonment). As the relationship developed, the ambiguous misfiring of two people’s needs and expectations arose.
Yellow Bricks 